I'm sorry I wasted your time.

That's what you said. I haven't heard from you since, as it should be. I don't know what the purpose you had in mind was when you decided to lie, but I can tell you already that nothing was wasted.

My friend Thomas sent me a letter he wrote to someone he loved. He said there are three things you can do with an injury. You can let it cripple you, you can ignore it, or you can grow from it. I've been trying to grow for a long time now. I've been searching out how to become better my whole life.

I've been reading this book called Triumphs of Experience. It's written by the man who was put in charge of the longest longitudinal study ever conducted. In it he explains that everyone develops coping mechanisms to deal with life's problems. Everyone develops differently, and some coping mechanisms work better to foster interpersonal relationships and others push people away. He summarizes the major findings of the study by saying that the most important thing in life is forming warm connections with others and at the same time finding ways to cope with life that don't push others away. In one sentence, "Happiness is love. Full stop."

I've been thinking about what you did. I don't understand what the point was, I don't know what was true, I'm not sure why you chose me, and I don't know who you think I am or what you think of me.
I thought a lot of you when we first started talking. Not just superficial things but everything, the stupid way you would spell words in texts and that we want to be the same thing. And it wasn't just that. It was very much everything. Even if you did lie how could you possibly know to lie about every single little thing and get it right? Even if you lied, and perhaps it's proof that you did it so well, you must have understood me.

I don't know you but I know you can understand me. George Vaillant says that generativity is one of the tasks we must attempt to complete to be successful in life. My friend Thomas said something that follows the same line of thought one time when he read aloud to me from his journal. He told me a story about his father getting angry for a silly reason. When Thomas asked his brother what they should have done to calm their father, his brother responded he thought they should just give him what he wanted. Thomas disagreed. In fact, he thought that giving someone you loved what they wanted simply to appease them achieved the opposite of what you should strive for when you care about someone. He thought that denying his father the chance to grow did not demonstrate love. Although it was harder to disagree, and uncomfortable, it was a sacrifice he offered in love. Generativity is what I offer you now. When I did the right thing (which I did) I did it to give you an opportunity to grow. Yes, at first I was angry and no, I am not happy with what you have done. That doesn't mean I don't care about you. In fact, it means the opposite.

You offered me a chance to grow too. I could have tightened my defenses, I could have insulated myself with a wall built of poor coping mechanisms. But I didn't. I forgave you and hoped the best for you.

We live in a world that is full of people trying to defend themselves. Even in this situation, people have told me to defend myself against you. I already have the best defense, and that is the awareness that everyone is capable of doing anything, intentionally or unintentionally. I told you that before when we talked about trust. I told you how I found it kind of nice, freeing, to not have expectations. Everyone is capable of pushing others away by using poor coping mechanisms. In fact it is guaranteed that most people will, despite their best efforts, eventually fail each other.

What we need to recognize is that failure gives us a chance to grow, as does love. You have both now. What will you do with them?

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"Some paraplegics (no legs etc) bounce back in a month, in a year, in 5, in ten, never. The only difference is belief, and trust. trust in the above, trust in themselves. 

And in order to get there, everyone makes that decision to live that trust, to think it, to embody it. 

This is why I say that when you believe the things you wrote me, say them, do them(I'm not good enough, I can't, It's hard), when you say these things you make them real."

-T.S.