heaven

sometimes i feel like the world is so messed up that i like to imagine my own heaven where everyone i care about exists and is capable of being happy and of being genuine and of caring about themselves and each other.

all of my friends are there, past and present.

tonight i visited you there. we sat down and we understood each other.

all i could say was "why?"

and you just looked and you knew. it wasn't like those times you were there beside me and you felt cold and distant. it wasn't like those times at all.

i could see that you saw me, all my flaws and all the reasons for my flaws and you felt my anger at myself and you, for a second, were me and i was you.

i close my eyes and imagine the place i made for us. i put my unnecessary comments in the doorway so i don't forget them on the way out. i hold you close to me, the part of you i am not sure exists. 

i open my eyes and the door to us swings shut and you are safe from me.